How to Rob Your Bank
by TheBookRider
Summary: Snotlout has done it again! With time ticking down, Hiccup and Astrid have to find a way to stop a run on the bank - before Stoick kills them.
1. In which Snotlout is kicked out

**HOW TO ROB YOUR BANK**

 **You Don't Work, You Don't Eat**

 **(1/4)**

It was a dusty afternoon, the sort that made one want to lie around with a glass of lemonade and only _think_ about doing something worthwhile with life. Even the mosquitoes refused to flex their wings and hopped around halfheartedly in the heat.

Inside the _New Berk City Times_ newspaper office, the mugginess was worse. The old windows (which were in dire need of a case of caulk or replaced altogether) did more to invite the hot air in than to keep it out as the ancient air conditioning unit had finally quit.

The employees and owners of the _New Berk City Times_ were all feeling the heat. Hiccup Haddock, both handyman and editor to the _Times,_ was currently under the air conditioner, attempting to fix it. Fishlegs Ingerman was working at the printing press, although not as many copies were being pumped out as would be on a normal day. The reporters (and also twins) Ruffnut and Tuffnut Thorsen were out getting scoops and delivering papers. It was only eleven in the morning, and they had already called ten times to complain about the heat.

The only person who was getting any work done was Astrid Hofferson, the newspaper's bookkeeper and sales representative. She was currently towering over Snotlout, the sixth member of their entourage and co-editor, who had his feet propped up on his desk and was snoring like a chainsaw.

"Ahem," Astrid cleared her throat, half crossing her arms and twirling the end of her blonde braid between her fingers. She eyed him expectantly.

Snotlout didn't stir. A bit of his black hair had found its way to the corner of his mouth, where a dribble of drool was slowly sliding down his cheek. Astrid wrinkled her nose in disgust. A fly had somehow found its way into his mouth. Every time he inhaled, the insect got sucked into his mouth, and every time he exhaled, it got pushed out.

Astrid watched this for several repetitions before clapping in front of Snotlout's face on one of the outs, effectively ending the life of the poor fly. The action did nothing to awaken Snotlout however, and he continued to snore, oblivious to the impending danger to his health.

"SNOTLOUT!" Astrid finally roared, stomping her foot to the ground and making the wood timbers of the building shake. The printing press in the backroom ceased and Fishlegs poked his head out.

"Everything all right?" the giant asked anxiously.

"Just fine," Hiccup assured him from under the air conditioning unit. "Astrid's just trying to wake the dead."

"Oh." Fishlegs closed the door and the clamor of the press resumed.

The air conditioning gave a bang, stalled for a few seconds like it was deciding whether or not it was worth running, but eventually roared to a start. Hiccup crawled out from under the beast and gave it a slap. "Knew the thing still had life in it."

"Snotlout isn't going to have a life if he doesn't get to work," Astrid said with the sweetness of an adder. "He's your cousin. Surely you know how to wake him up." The hidden message: Wake him up or else!

Hiccup ran a hand across his forehead to get the red plastered hair back to its normal position. "You're not supposed to wake up a sleeping bear," he remarked, unbuttoning the sleeves of his plaid shirt and rolling them up. How he could tolerate a flannel shirt, jeans, _and_ hiking boots in summer, Astrid would never know.

"How about dealing with an awake tiger?" Astrid inquired coolly, crossing her arms and glaring at him.

"Fine. But I am _not_ liable for what happens next," Hiccup warned, picking up a mega-sized hiker's water bottle from his desk. He marched over and dumped its contents on Snotlout. Snotlout jerked awake and toppled out of his chair, water dripping off his nose and t-shirt.

"What's wrong?" he asked, now fully awake. He felt his clothes and frowned. "Hiccup?"

"Not bad," Astrid praised Hiccup. She hadn't known he had it in him.

"Thanks."

Astrid turned to Snotlout. "It wasn't him, it was me."

"He and I," Hiccup corrected.

"Yes?" Astrid raised an eyebrow at Hiccup.

"You're supposed to say 'It wasn't he, it was I' because the pronouns are in the nominative case," Hiccup informed her, ever the editor.

"It doesn't matter!" Astrid huffed. "Everybody says 'him' and 'me'. Quit being the grammar police. Not everyone memorizes an entire grammar book by the time they're seven, like you!"

"It does too matter!" Hiccup protested. "What if a doctor was about to perform surgery on you and used ain't and mispronounced words all over the place? Would you want him cutting into your skin?"

"I'm not having surgery!"

"Would you two knock it off?" Snotlout complained, flapping his soaking t-shirt. "I'm getting a headache here."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Is working too much for your constitution?" Astrid snapped, irked. "You've done nothing but sleep all day, Snotlout." She had seen sloths who slept less than he did.

"I happen to need my beauty sleep!" Snotlout turned a fan on his desk to high speed. The wind current sent papers flying all over the room.

Hiccup snickered. "What beauty? Nice hair, cousin."

Snotlout glanced at one of his desktop mirror and quickly pulled the bit of hair out of the corner of his mouth. He took a comb out of his pencil jar and began combing his hair.

Astrid snatched the comb out of his hand and threw it against the wall, narrowly missing the built in fish tank. Hiccup was a bit of an outdoors person, so he had installed the fish tank and a lot of potted plants to keep himself from going stir crazy.

"Snotlout, you have been a stinker all week!" Astrid declared, snapping off his fan. "A knucklehead, a moron, a...a...Hiccup, help me out here."

"A gold bar," Hiccup suggested from his desk, red pen in hand as he went over an article.

Astrid seized the words. "A gold bar! You don't deserve this week's pay!"

"You can't not pay me!" Snotlout yelled. "It's in my contract!"

"YEAH?" Astrid roared, anger steadily rising. "Well, I can sure-"

"Make him work outside," Hiccup interrupted before Astrid could go on a tirade. "Send him out to do field work."

"What'd you say?" Astrid and Snotlout asked, their heads swiveling towards him in unison.

"Field work," Hiccup repeated, putting down his pen to clean his glasses, which had fogged up with the sudden burst of cool air from the air conditioner. "Make him go out like the twins do and find something to write about."

Astrid chewed on her bottom lip, considering it for a second. "It's not a bad idea," she decided. "Snotlout, as of now, I am kicking you out of the office."

"Out?!" Snotlout exclaimed. "You can't do that! The owner of this joint just happens to be my cousin!"

"Very well, then." Hiccup stood up. "Snotlout, as of now, _I_ am kicking you out of the office."

"But I'm your own flesh and blood!" Snotlout whined. "Take pity on a poor millennial."

Taking Snotlout by surprise, Hiccup grabbed Snotlout by the collar and yanked him towards the door. Snotlout, recovering his wits, tried to dig his heels into the ground and use his muscles to his advantage. That didn't go well. A couple of years ago, Hiccup had lost his left leg in a car accident and now sported a metal prosthetic. Hiccup brought that foot, clad in the _steel-toed hiking boots_ he liked to wear, up and pushed Snotlout's backside towards the door.

Snotlout howled in pain and quit resisting. Hiccup opened the antique front door to the building and shoved Snotlout the rest of the way out, throwing a pad of paper and a pencil after him.

"Don't come back until you have something front page worthy," Hiccup told him, and then slammed the door with the finality of a judge's gavel.

Astrid gaped at Hiccup in shock, the only sound in the room being the printing press and the water filter on the fish tank. Hiccup didn't usually take the initiative with his cousin and Astrid was the one who made sure Snotlout was in line, so this was a surprise.

Hiccup shrugged self-consciously. "He was getting on my nerves."

"Snotlout's _always_ getting on your nerves," Astrid pointed out. "What's new?"

Hiccup sighed and plopped down at his desk again. "Why did we hire the twins again? They can't tell the difference between a comparative adjective and a superlative adjective."

Astrid peeked out a window through dusty plastic blinds. Snotlout was just sitting in his car, doing nothing.

"Do you think he'll come back with something print worthy?" she asked, sitting back down to her own work of sorting out bills.

"Tuffnut? Never."

"No. I meant Snotlout."

"Oh. I don't know. We'll see, _if_ he comes back."

 _A/N: This fanfiction was inspired by a television show, especially the "gold brick" quote. As it is obscure, I don't expect anyone to get it, but give it your best shot. Clue: it branched off of the Andy Griffith show. The fly incident actually happened to my great-grandmother. Thanks for reading this!_

 _Rider_


	2. In which Snotlout eavesdrops

**Stop the Press!**

 **(2/4)**

Snotlout sat in his car, fuming. What right did _they_ have to kick him out? He practically kept the place up and running! _Just let them wait and see,_ he thought. _In ten minutes, they'll be out here, begging me to fix all of their problems._ Astrid would finally see him as a man and ditch Hiccup.

But they didn't come tapping on his car window or get down on their knees in tearful supplication for his help like Snotlout envisioned. Sighing, he cranked his car to a start and checked to make sure his hair was perfectly tousled before pulling out of the parking lot.

"They never give me the attention that I deserve," he fumed to himself. "I'll find a story so good, they'll have no choice but to put me on the front page." Everyone always said that being an editor was a higher honor than being a mere reporter, but Snotlout thought exactly the opposite. When was the last time an editor got his name on an article? The only thing an editor's name was placed on was a folder containing more articles to color with a red pen.

Someone honked at Snotlout as he swerved in front of them, cutting them off. "You snooze, you lose!" he jeered over his shoulder, even though they couldn't hear him. Sighing, he fumbled with the FM radio on his car, eventually finding the knob to turn it on.

"THE MONKEY MAN HAS NO PLACE IN THE CIRCLE OF CONVICTION!" Snotlout howled along with one of his favorite songs. He had no idea where he was going, really, and without realizing it his car turned in the direction of the Flamingo.

The Flamingo was something out of the 1960s, a place where Ricky Ricardo would have sung with tables for diners and a drink bar. Snotlout headed for the drink bar and plopped down on one of the seats. His good friend Erak Treet, manager of the Flamingo, was behind the bar that day.

"How are you, Snotlout, on this fine day?" the barrel-chested man asked.

"Horrible. Just horrible!" Snotlout grumbled. "They kicked me out!" When he said "they", he meant Astrid and Hiccup, of course. Snotlout often came to the Flamingo to complain about them.

"They really kicked you out for good?" Erak asked with interest. Snotlout didn't know it, but at night Erak was actually Astrid's karate teacher and knew all of Snotlout's true colors, including the fact that he got fired twice a week. Still, Erak listened to him, and that was what mattered.

"Hiccup threw me out the door!" Snotlout whined. "And before that, he kicked me in the backside– with his left foot! I think a bruise is already starting to form. I won't be able to sit for weeks!" He pouted.

Erak noticed that Snotlout seemed to be sitting comfortably at the moment.

"Do you think I can file for worker's compensation?" Snotlout asked. "It was on the job."

Cleaning out a glass with a rag, Erak shook his head thoughtfully. "I don't think you can, Snotlout. While you're here, what can I get you to drink?"

"Oh. Uh... do you have any egg nog?" Summer might have been in full swing, but New Berk City's restaurants _always_ had egg nog.

"One pint of egg nog coming right up!" Erak proclaimed, turning around to fill the drink order.

Waiting for his drink, Snotlout rested his chin on the bar. His eyes roved over the establishment, looking for something suitable to write about, even though he probably wouldn't find anything. Maybe there was a nice-looking girl around that he could woo with his charming personality.

"Here you go!" Erak dropped a glass on the bar in front of Snotlout, sending flecks of the white drink everywhere.

"Thanks," Snotlout said, grabbing the glass. "Put it on my tab."

Erak began restoring the bar back to its previously pristine condition. "So what do Astrid and Hiccup want you to do before you can go back?"

Snotlout swallowed and let his glass fall back onto the counter, dirtying Erak's clean work. Sighing in resignation, Erak pulled out yet another rag.

"They want me to find front page news!" Snotlout complained. "Front page!"

"That shouldn't be too hard to do for a person of your talent," Erak observed, trying to encourage Snotlout.

"Yes, but the _front page!_ " Snotlout repeated, believing Erak had temporarily lost his hearing. "I'm his cousin and this is how he treats me after all of the hard work I put in this week? I didn't go on a single date." Snotlout sniffed and wiped away a tear from his eyes. Life wasn't fair!

"If your looking for a story, there's one man you need to go to." Erak leaned forward.

"Who?" Snotlout asked, leaning forward as well with wide eyes.

"Well, I shouldn't be telling you this-" Erak began.

"Oh, come on! I'm your best egg nog customer. Pleeeease." It was perhaps the second time that Snotlout had used that word in his life.

Erak's gaze flicked around the club as if he didn't want anyone to hear what he was about to say. "You need to see Johann the Trader."

"Johann the Trader," Snotlout repeated faithfully, hanging on every word.

"He's the owner of the ice cream store down the street. Everyone goes through there, so Johann picks up a _lot_ of gossip. If there's front page news, he'd be the first one to know it."

"All right!" Snotlout crowed, slapping a palm against the bar and spilling his egg nog all over the counter again. "Erak, I owe you." Maybe now he would have a chance to impress Astrid! Who cared about what Hiccup thought? Astrid was an angel. If he could get her to just _look_ at him...

Snotlout, unaware that he had an egg nog mustache, turned around and marched out of the club. He hurried down to the ice cream shop, which was open and flooding with business. A crude sign above the door read "The Pirate's Sweets Shack". Snotlout stepped aside for two girls who were exiting. After showing off his sculptured muscles for them, he entered the establishment.

After buying a garbage can-flavored ice cream cone (a vanilla concoction with tons of different flavored candy bars) Snotlout sat in the booth close to the counter where the owner of the shop, Johann Trader, a man with chocolate-colored hair and a pointy mustache, was leaning against.

Snotlout took a big slurp out of his cone and licked the sticky substance off his fingers. He peeked around the corner to see that Johann was helping himself to his own ice cream cone.

Seeing that no one was in the general vicinity, Snotlout busied himself with conquering his dessert. The door to the shop jingled, but Snotlout didn't pay it any mind. A few minutes later, bits and pieces of conversation drifted to Snotlout's ears.

"-goes it?" Johann asked.

"Fine. I...bank's losing...money," the patron replied amiably.

Snotlout choked on a candy bar. A run on the bank? Oh, sweetness, this was front page news! Snotlout shoved the rest of his cone into his mouth and raced out of the shop. He had to get to the office and fast, before someone beat him to the scoop!

The speedometer never dipped below ninety until Snotlout swerved into the _Time's_ parking lot. He was out of the car before it had even stopped and burst into the office with a BANG!

"STOP THE PRESS!" he screamed at the top of his lungs, sliding to a stop on his knees in the center of the floor. There was silence throughout the room and Snotlout realized that no one was around.

"You've got to be kidding me!" Snotlout scrambled to his feet. He had found the best scoop in ages, and no one was around to witness it? Suddenly, he noticed a bright yellow sticky note in Hiccup's precise handwriting stuck to his desk. Snotlout snatched it and stared at the piece of paper in disbelief.

 _Snotlout – All of us have gone out to eat. Try to keep the place standing until we get back._

Snotlout buried his head in his hands and began sobbing. No one cared about him! They went out to lunch without him! He could starve and they would all be happy.

"Uh, Snotlout?" Fishlegs, appearing out of nowhere, tapped him on the shoulder. "Are you okay?"

"Fine!" The sobbing abruptly ceased and Snotlout's head popped up. A devious grin spread across his face. Fishlegs was just the person he needed. "Stop the press, Fishlegs! I've got news that will put this establishment on the map!"

"What news? Did they come out with a new version of Microsoft?" Fishlegs asked hopefully.

"What? No!" Snotlout marched towards the printing room. "The bank's gonna fail!"

Twenty minutes later, the press was up and running. Clean, fresh pages spat out of the machine at a printing record rate. Snotlout picked one up and smiled in satisfaction, for his name was right there, across the top.

 **BERK'S BANK FAILS**

 **BY SNOTLOUT JORGENSON**


	3. In which everyone is arrested

**How to Rob Your Bank**

 **(3/4)**

"After you, Milady." Hiccup gallantly held the door open for Astrid as they returned from their lunch break at the ice cream parlor.

"Wow." Astrid stopped short. The whole office had been cleaned in their absence. Sitting in the middle of the pristine room was Snotlout, who was grinning like the Cheshire Cat.

Astrid eyed him suspiciously. "What'd you do?"

Snotlout put a hand to his chest. "Moi? Do something?"

Just then, the office phone on Hiccup's desk rang. Hiccup picked it up. "Hello, this is the _New Berk City Times,_ Hiccup Haddock speaking."

 _"_ _I WANT A WORD WITH YOU, HICCUP! YOU'VE MESSED THINGS UP AS USUAL!"_ the person on the other end bellowed. Astrid could hear it all the way from across the room.

"Hi, Dad," Hiccup greeted his father, Stoick Haddock, the only person in town who possessed a voice over one hundred decibels.

 _"_ _WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'HI, DAD'?! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!"_

"I don't know what you're talking about." Hiccup wrinkled his nose in confusion. He was always getting into scrapes and because of this, he and his father had a rocky relationship. This time, however, Astrid couldn't think of anything he had done wrong.

 _"_ _DON'T PLAY INNOCENT WITH ME."_

"If you would just explain-" Hiccup started, exasperated.

 _"_ _THE ARTICLE YOU PUBLISHED! NOW THERE'S A RUN ON THE BANK!"_

Oh, that was not good. Stoick was the president of the most prestigious bank in town, and if that bank failed, the economy of the city would collapse.

"I didn't publish-" Hiccup tried again.

 _"_ _FIX YOUR MESS OR I'LL SHUT DOWN THE NEWSPAPER!"_ Stoick roared. The phone conversation was cut off with a loud bang.

Hiccup held the phone away from his ear and winced. "Guess who's the poster child for the year," he muttered, dropping the phone back into the cradle and burying his head in his hands.

Astrid had a bigger fish to fry. "What article is he talking about?" She crossed the room and grabbed a fresh newspaper from a stack. She read the blatant headline in shock. "SNOTLOUT!"

"You told me to get front page news!" Snotlout defended himself.

Astrid dropped the newspaper on Hiccup's desk for him to inspect. Hiccup quickly scanned it. "Where did you get this information?" he demanded.

"An ice cream store run by Johann the Trader. Someone said the bank was losing money." Snotlout looked smug. "Aren't you glad I heard it before another newspaper got a hold of the story?"

Astrid groaned, realizing his error. "Snotlout, we were at the same shop having ice cream and overheard the same conversation. The guy – oh, this is just great."

"What?"

"The guy you overheard was talking about the movie _Mary Poppins,"_ Hiccup said. "He said: 'I watched Mary Poppins last night. Mr. Bank's losing his mind, and all he cared about was money halfway through.'"

"You two had ice cream?" Snotlout asked.

"THAT'S NOT THE POINT!" Astrid bellowed. "There's a run going on the bank right now, and it's going to be all your fault."

"This is bad. I'm calling the twins. Did Fishlegs go home?" Hiccup pulled out his cellphone. "This is so, so bad. Dad is going to kill me when I get home, if not sooner!"

"Maybe we could explain," Astrid suggested halfheartedly.

Hiccup shook his head miserably. "You know how he is. Every conversation we have is one-sided. Hello?"

Astrid turned her attention to Snotlout. "If you have an article, you're supposed to give it to us to edit it before you print it."

"There's at least three spelling errors in this," Hiccup observed, pulling the phone away from his ear as a huge crash sounded over the answering machine.

"I couldn't help it! I was rushed for time." Snotlout sniffed. "Is this the thanks I get?"

"Seriously?" Astrid's voice rose dangerously in pitch.

"HELLO! WE HAVE ARRIVED!" The front door burst open and Ruffnut and Tuffnut tumbled into the room.

"We couldn't tell," Hiccup quipped, although his voice was glum. He hung up the phone since it wasn't needed.

"Where's Fishlegs?" Astrid asked.

As if hearing her words, Fishlegs walked in the door, worriedly wringing his hands. "I didn't know the report was false," he said. "Snotlout-"

"Is fired," Astrid finished severely.

"WHAT?!" Snotlout shouted. "You can't do that!"

"You started a run on the bank," Astrid informed him, in case he hadn't heard the news the first time.

"Which we need to stop before my dad kills me," Hiccup reminded them.

"You started a run on the bank? That's so cool!" Ruffnut gushed dreamily.

"Can we go run on the bank?" Tuffnut asked.

"No!" Astrid slammed her fist on her desk, a favorite action of hers when she got too nervous or excited. "We need to find a way to fix it!" Hiccup was sweating and looked close to hyperventilation.

"We could rob the bank," Tuffnut suggested.

"It's not a big deal, guys," Snotlout droned. "Hiccup's dad is just flapping a coffin lid for nooo good reason."

Astrid could not believe Snotlout – or Tuffnut, for that matter. "It _is_ a big deal, and we are _not_ robbing the bank."

"Statistics show that robbing the bank would land us in jail," Fishlegs dutifully informed them.

"No one cares, Fishlegs," Ruffnut impatiently huffed, blowing a strand of her dirty blonde hair out of her eyes.

"Be nice," Astrid warned. "And quit getting off track."

"We _could_ rob the bank," Hiccup said in a reasonable tone from his desk.

"Hiccup!" Astrid scolded, shooting him a nasty look. He wasn't supposed to encourage the twins' crazy schemes.

"Have you got a better idea?" Hiccup countered desperately.

Astrid's mouth dropped open in disbelief. "Well, I...I..."

"All right!" The twins slapped high fives. "We're going to rob a bank! We're going to rob a bank!" they sang as they linked arms and danced around the room.

"This is not good," Fishlegs worried to a bored Snotlout.

"Hold up! I didn't say that we were robbing a bank!" Astrid crossed her arms.

Snotlout checked his watch. "I'd say you have about thirty minutes until the bank runs out of money."

"Hiccup," Fishlegs said, "you're the owner of this newspaper. What do you say?"

Hiccup took his glasses off and massaged his eyes. "Tuffnut and Ruffnut, how fast can you procure fake guns and masks?"

He didn't need to ask twice. Like tornadoes, the twins zipped out of the room and within five minutes were back with all the necessary items for a hold up. "Don't ask," Tuffnut advised. Astrid didn't want to know why they were prepared to rob anything.

"Would it be all right if I stayed here and held down the fort?" Fishlegs asked timidly.

"You don't have to come if you don't want to," Astrid assured him.

"Great. See you later!" Snotlout started to walk out.

"Not you, you gold brick!" Astrid grabbed him by the scruff of the neck. "You're going to help!"

Ruffnut and Tuffnut had secured their masks. With them on, it was hard to tell the two apart.

"Here." Astrid shoved a mask onto Snotlout's head and selected her own. The silk fabric was hot and she tugged on it to get it comfortable. It was weird to look at the world through eye holes.

"We have black clothing, too." The twins held up nondescript hoodies.

Somewhat reluctantly, Hiccup grabbed an outfit out of the pile and headed to the bathroom to change. Astrid inspected a gun. "This looks real," she remarked.

"It's not." Astrid couldn't tell behind the masks, but it sounded like Ruffnut was grinning.

Hiccup came out of the bathroom. The pants were rolled up and the hoodie was three sizes too big on him, but it would have to do. He jerked a thumb towards the bathroom. "Better hurry up. Time's wasting."

A few minutes later, the whole gang (minus Fishlegs and counting Snotlout) were decked out in the black attire.

Astrid sighed, picking up one of the play guns. "Well, let's go rob a bank!"

…

"We are so going to regret this," Astrid groaned. She, the twins, Hiccup, and Snotlout were all standing in the alley behind the Bank of New Berk City while Hiccup messed with the lock.

"How much longer? This mask itches," Snotlout complained. The door clicked open.

"There," Hiccup whispered triumphantly. "Let's go."

"All right!" Tuffnut and Ruffnut crowed loudly.

"Shh!" Astrid hissed, wincing at how their voices reverberated in the hallway they had entered. She glared at the twins until they looked subdued. Everyone proceeded cautiously, pausing to peer around corners and hoping to evade any workers. Finally, they reached a door. From behind the metal came the sound of angry people.

"This is the door that leads to the long teller counter." Hiccup's voice was barely audible and Astrid had to strain to hear it. "When I say go-"

"Wait," Astrid interrupted. "Shouldn't we warn your dad before we do this?"

Hiccup shrugged. "Too late now. When I say go, we burst out in a surprise attack. Ready?"

Everyone nodded, although Astrid had to elbow Snotlout to get him to.

Hiccup counted down. "Three...two...one...GO!"

Giving the best Viking war cry in the history of Scandinavia, the twins led the charge. As they burst into the main area of the bank, they threw snapdragons onto the ground, causing gunshot-like noises.

"This is a hold up! Stick your hands in the air!" Snotlout boomed, although Astrid thought he could have put a little more effort into it.

What had been an angry mob of people demanding to have their money back turned into a quiet cluster of mice. The twins and Snotlout got behind the tellers while Astrid and Hiccup dealt with the crowd.

"Line up at the door!" Hiccup ordered, deepening his voice to a hilarious attempt at bass. The people obeyed, albeit slowly.

Astrid threw a snapdragon behind her back and waved her gun in the air. "Faster!" she barked, shooting Hiccup a look. They wanted the place cleared before the police showed up and arrested them.

"Get out! Hurry up, or else!" Astrid growled menacingly, although she wasn't sure what the "or else" was going to be. The pace picked up immediately and people started pushing against each other to get out of the building.

"Nice," Hiccup commented out of the corner of his mouth.

"It's all in the wrist. I HOPE YOU AREN'T CALLING THE POLICE!" Astrid yelled, seeing a teenage boy reach for his cellphone. The boy's hand snapped back to his side and he quickly elbowed his way out.

"Hey." Hiccup snapped his fingers. "You know what?"

"What?"

"Not a single person has tried to tackle us."

"Huh. You're right." Now that Astrid realized it, she was amazed that no pig-headed Viking had charged at them, trying to save the day. It was a good thing, because Astrid didn't think Hiccup was very good at self defense, although she herself could hold her own.

The last person tripped out of the door just as police siren wails filled the air. Hiccup closed and bolted the doors behind them. The run on the bank was stopped, and the money was saved!

"Let's get out of these masks!" Ruffnut rejoiced, tugging hers off. "Hey, thanks." She held out a hand to shake for the teller she previously had in a headlock. "It was nice doing business with you."

"What's going on?" another teller asked, confused.

"See you at the office!" Snotlout said, turning for the door.

"No, we won't. You're still fired!" Astrid shouted after him, pulling off her mask and unzipping her hoodie.

"Hey, can I keep this?" Tuffnut asked, holding up a wad of hundred dollar bills that a scared worker had dumped into his hands.

"No." Hiccup snatched the money and dumped it onto the counter. He grabbed a lollipop from a dish and shoved it into Tuffnut's hands to pacify him.

"What's going on?" the first teller demanded again, crossing his arms.

"My dad is Stoick Haddock, the president of this bank," Hiccup explained, scratching the back of his neck. "He seemed to think the run was _my_ fault, so..." He spread his arms wide. "Ta da! Fixed it. Sorry."

"Guns, please!" Ruffnut requested, going around the group with a sack. Astrid dumped hers in, glad to be rid of it.

"HICCUP!" Stoick's voice resonated through the old architecture of the bank. The main door of the bank splintered open, and Stoick strode into the room with several police officers. "What's the meaning of this?"

"Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to put your hands behind your head and face the wall." A police officer approached Astrid with a pair of handcuffs.

"What have I done?" she cried. The others were receiving the same treatment.

The police officer gaped at her in disbelief. "Robbing a bank? Now, you have the right to remain silent..."

"SNOTLOUT!"

 _A/N: Thank you for your encouraging follows/favorites/reviews! I laughed so hard, CB73... Well, there's a short 800-ish epilogue coming the week after next or so. Thanks again!_


	4. In which a fire hazard is eliminated

**No News is Good News**

 **(4/4)**

Snotlout stood rigid, his whole body radiating "offended", precisely putting the possessions from his desk into a cardboard box.

Astrid stood behind him, arms crossed and foot tapping a rapid beat. "I'm getting _impatient._ "

Snotlout sniffed and ignored her. He unplugged every one of his eighteen fans (effectively eliminating a fire hazard) and carefully laid them in the box next to a stack of mirrors. His comb collection followed.

"We'll miss you," Fishlegs hesitantly consoled. He was standing in the threshold of the printing room door, unsure if he wanted to get into the middle of things.

"Like a cavity," Hiccup muttered from his desk.

Snotlout turned around. "What was that?"

"With much celerity," Hiccup said, quickly hiding behind an unedited article.

Snotlout considered this for a moment. "Oh..." Astrid was sure he didn't know what the word celerity meant.

"Are you finished?" Astrid snapped.

"Quite." Snotlout jammed a lid onto his box. "I'm leaving," he announced to the room, gathering up his possessions and sweeping out of the room, attempting the dignity of an English monarch with his wide nostrils stuck high in the air. The door clicked shut with finality behind him.

Astrid and Hiccup shared a knowing look. Hiccup checked his watch. "Five."

"Four," Astrid counted.

"Three," Fishlegs joined in, heading back to his work. He knew what would happen.

"Two," Hiccup sighed.

"One," Astrid finished. There was a timid knock on the office door.

"Come in!" Hiccup called, spinning his chair around and resting his fake foot on his other knee.

Snotlout opened the door a crack and poked his head through the opening. "May I come in?"

Hiccup made a rolling motion with his fingers, indicating he had already said Snotlout could. Astrid plopped down at her desk, ignoring her half a mile long to-do list to, to watch the scene unfold.

"Dearest cousin," Snotlout began. Was that a tear Astrid saw dripping down his face? "It was wrong of me to laze around all week. I'm sorry for that."

"I'm sure," Hiccup muttered into his plaid shirt sleeve, pretending to cough.

"Huh?" Snotlout asked, cupping a hand to his ear.

Hiccup cleared his throat. "I concur. Continue."

"Oh. Where was I?" Snotlout scratched his head.

Astrid helped him out. "It was wrong of you to laze around all week."

"Yes. It was wrong of me to laze around all week," Snotlout started again.

"We've established that." Hiccup slumped back in his chair.

"GET ON WITH IT!" Astrid roared, slamming her palm onto her desk.

"I should have had the article checked out before it was published," Snotlout spilled out in one big rush, slurring the words together.

Astrid arched an eyebrow. "And?" she asked, taking charge of the situation.

"Um." Snotlout chewed on his lip.

"Making us sit in a police station for three hours while we got booked, interrogated and fingerprinted," Astrid supplied, "while you were having ice cream." Snotlout had left before the police had even arrived at the bank.

"Yeah, what she said." Snotlout pulled out a tissue and blew his nose loudly. "Please, please, _please_ let me have my job back," he begged.

"You may." Hiccup looked at Astrid. "Mark it down in the calendar," he told her, spinning his chair back around to his desk.

"Gotcha." Astrid pulled out the marker she kept for such an occasion and made a tally on the Nature's Wonders calendar on the wall. "That's the fifth time you've been fired and rehired this month, Snotlout!"

Snotlout only harrumphed and started to unload his mirrors, fans, and combs, his bravado restored.

"Well, I for one am glad order is back in charge," Hiccup declared.

Just then, the door slammed open, ramming into the air conditioner. A fly buzzed in along with the twins. Incoherent words poured out of the hooligans' mouths.

"Back up the ox cart!" Hiccup cried. "Tuffnut, you start."

"No way, I go first!" Ruffnut protested.

"No, I go first!" Her twin shook a fist at her. "It's _my_ front page news!"

"No, mine!"

 _"_ _MINE!"_

"SOMEBODY tell!" Astrid shouted, her patience spent for the day. The next person who crossed her was going to end up with a bruised arm.

"A LEAF FELL ON THE MAYOR'S CAR!" the twins chorused.

Astrid, Snotlout, and Hiccup sat in dumb silence. Astrid was the first one to break it. "Wow," she said. "We should stop the press. What do you think, Hiccup?"

Hiccup grinned. "Definitely. Good job, Ruffnut, Tuffnut."

The twins exited in much the same fashion as they arrived. Everyone burst into laughter.

"Ha, ha." Astrid had needed that. She settled back into her work in a much better mood than before. Hiccup went to feed his fish and water his plants, and Snotlout fell asleep again with the fly buzzing around his nose.

It was business as usual until Fishlegs poked his head in the room and piped up. "Is it just me, or is it hot in here? Did the air conditioner quit?"

Astrid groaned. "Not again!"

 _A/N: Happy New Year! Thank you all for reading this little project. It was one of my favorite things to write with Snotlout. :P After updating Waiting to Punch Your Arm and doing a Christmas one shot, my ghost story shall resume. Thank you for your reviews, favorites, and follows!_

 _Rider_


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